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“Getting divorced is never easy but having a coach on your side really helps you to take stock and clarify what you want and need. It allows you to deal resourcefully and confidently with all
the challenges you face so you can be the
best you can be"
Fiona Sutherland—
founder of Great
Coaching Services
"Phone coaching is so effective - I'm getting to know the real me"
Sue Blackburn - Lawyer getting divorced
Read all about it
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Splitting up is rarely easy but the right approach makes a huge difference.
Once the decision is made, the way you approach the next steps will have a major impact on the rest of your life.
At Great Coaching we have developed a unique and very powerful range of specialist services to help people at the different stages of splitting up through to life after divorce or separation.
The main benefits of the services are
“Wise Steps for a successful divorce” is a proven way to untangle thoughts, see a brighter future and get into the right frame of mind for negotiating and making your wisest decisions
It's a combination of initial discussion, self assessments plus 3 coaching sessions for a fixed fee. Clients report major changes in their confidence. Ask for our leaflet which describes the service in detail.
“I was able to sleep properly for the first time in ages”
“That coaching session was one of my life's defining moments.. the focus I have gained is enabling me to keep the important things in perspective”
Read all about it or try our simple self assessment.
This may include additional support dealing with major change particularly after a long term relationship has ended or when it has ended in difficult circumstances or where there is a lot of conflict. It's also helpful as parents adjust to sharing kids and juggling responsibilities.
Career coaching may also be useful at this time or a combination of life and business coaching for business people or couples in business who are getting divorced
“I started off coaching having lost the plot with my life. After 30 years of marriage my future was so linked with my family and at a time when we were thinking abut retirement I have lost my future”..…..2 sessions later. “I am now getting out in my car and going and doing things. I am starting to relaise that I can make more of this situation and not waste the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself”
These workshops are run form time to time for people who are generally past the negotiation stage and want to make a more fulfilling next chapter of their life. Let us know if you are interested.
“My social live revolved around my ex wife and we did everything together. I now need to think about how to re build my life going forward. The workshop was ideal for helping me do just that and it was all done in a friendly yet professional manner”
Broadly, there is the traditional route or something called the collaborative law model. Mediation may form part of the traditional route. Based on experience and interviewing various lawyers, here is what we would summarise and suggest.
Mediation – this is where both parties have a mediator, who may also be a trained lawyer, to help both parties agree the way forward. Once you get agreement in principle you go back to your traditional lawyer to progress things. The outcome of mediation is not binding until it's approved by the court and if one of the parties' lawyers believes the agreement is unfair they may persuade their client to ignore the outcome of the mediation. Mediation can be appropriate when both parties are able to communicate with each other without one feeling intimidated or dominated or too upset, and when both parties have sufficient understanding of the financial options and longer term financial and emotional implications of any legal agreements. Mediation can also be helpful after the divorce if there are further disputes e.g. over children or money.
Traditional – this is where each party has their own lawyer acting on their sole behalf. Some lawyers have a reputation for trying to get the most possible for their clients and will adopt a fighting attitude. They may encourage their clients to ask for more because they feel they have to encourage them to get the most. Other traditional divorce lawyers find that co-operating with the other lawyer and referring to what a judge would generally decide as reasonable, given the circumstances, is more effective as agreements can be reached more swiftly and therefore cost less in legal fees.
At the end of the day, if agreements can't be reached then court fees and possibly barrister fees can mount up and a judge will decide what they think is reasonable based on the given circumstances. If you are disputing the divide of business assets or have a severe case of “stalemate” or total unreasonableness, then going to court may be the only way forward.
The collaborative law process, involves round-the-table negotiations with your ex, their lawyer and your lawyer too. As coaches, we are big fans of this process as it actively encourages the participants to ‘begin with the end in mind' and to agree high-level principles for how they want the divorce to be. Typically, people attracted to the collaborative model will want a dignified, amicable settlement, which is as fair as possible taking account of the needs of the various parties (including children).
What's different here is that these high-level principles are decided at outset and referred back to if need be. Everyone, including both lawyers, have to collaborate together to achieve an outcome for all interested parties. People's emotions and wishes about things are taken into account. There is more creative thinking in how to divide assets and arrive at agreements, as it doesn't have to follow the way a judge would look at things (which is pretty much based on adding things up and dividing, whereas some things are emotionally more important). The lawyers have an extra incentive to reach agreement because if the process breaks down and has to go the traditional route instead, then different lawyers have to be appointed.
Cost wise, collaborative law can be very effective as the four-way negotiations mean that things can be discussed, clarified and agreed, rather than having endless letters going back and forth to clarify points. This model has been used successfully in North America and Canada since 1991, where the process also involves the divorcing couple having some life coaching sessions to help them be prepared, focused and emotionally ready for the negotiations. Couples report amicable outcomes for themselves and their children, where they achieve good ongoing communications and co-operation with child care and bring about the ability to move on positively with their lives.
For further information on the legal side go to www.collaborativefamilylawyers.co.uk and www.resolution.org.uk
Get a good independent financial adviser on your side to explain what you are worth including saving, investments and pensions, and to help explain what sort of income you could expect based on a settlement.
Also helpful is an independent mortgage adviser to explain what sort of mortgage your income or income after maintenance payments could support.
When you split up you might lose the benefits of some insurances which were connected to your ex, either privately or through their employment. An IFA can help explain the replacement costs. If your ex is also paying maintenance, do you need to insure the payments? It is good to know these costs before you finalise the agreements as it may be difficult to re-negotiate.
There is also the budgeting – how you budget and perhaps face living on less? What impact will this have on you? Do you need to earn more or change your spending?
In the wider Great Coaching Services team we have a lot of experience regarding financial advisers and financial planning and though we do not give investment advice, we can help you to ask some important questions and to deal with the paperwork so that it doesn't overwhelm you. One client told us she found organising all the paperwork and recording the facts the most stressful part of her divorce.
Other areas given below will also generally need to be considered and the negotiations may be easy or difficult.
Kids need to feel loved and secure and this is even more so during separation. There is a tendency for kids to blame themselves at a deep level for the relationship breakdown. If you are worried about a child's responses, seek professional advice.
Never bad mouth your ex in front of them. Tempting though it may seem, this is a time to rise above any egos and put your kids needs' first. Offload your frustration with your coach or a best friend but not the kids or the lawyer.
Rather than expect people to take sides, stop communication, or burn bridges, it's best to consider the impact longer term. Children may have grown to love Grandparents as they have their Grandchildren. The wider family provides an important part of growing up and sometimes an additional support structure. If you get on well with other members of your ex's family or his or her friends and you want to keep that up – be sure to act accordingly. If you have things you want to say, first run them past your coach who is on your side 100% but not caught up in your emotion. They will help you express yourself appropriately.
If your ex contributes to conflict where others have to take sides then you may lose those you thought were good friends. Your coach can support you to keep this in perspective and boost your confidence if you feel a bit down.
There will be adjustments to new relationships and your responses may be influenced by your previous experiences. Keep your perspective and learn and grow in the process but don't generalise or distort reality because you often get what you expect!
Lawyers tell us that they feel powerless when their client just can't see the way forward, as it's not their role and they don't have the skills to help. The problem seems particularly tough for women who perhaps stayed at home to bring up the kids and these kids have now flown the nest. Divorce can leave them with a loss of role and status and fearful of a lonely future. Gentle coaching helps raise awareness of what is important to them. It can open their eyes to possibilities they hadn't considered and provide the encouragement as they start to make decisions and take small steps to build their future.
“Coaching has helped me enormously to see the way forward. In fact, I cannot recommend it enough”. Barbara Ann Hunter facing divorce after 20 years.
If splitting up means living on less, coaching helps deal with this practically and emotionally.
“In the inevitable emotional upset caused by separation, I have found Fiona's coaching very helpful as she is able to isolate the tangible and practical aspects of personal finances whilst still offering support and encouragement”. Diane White
You'll have to do things your ex did before. Coaching helps you to manage your time, ask for help or develop new skills.
Enforced loss of contact with your children is hard for any parent. It's also difficult for children. According to a relate spokesperson. Kids who loose contact with one parent after a split are more likely to grow up as delinquents. Therefore it's generally in your childe best interests to try and create a practical working relationship with your ex so that it's more likely that they can continue a healthy relationship with both parents. The Wise steps programme help you to make the most of the situation and helps reduce the chances of conflict with your ex.
What happens during divorce can have a major impact on the quality of family life for years to come.
“Facing the thought of losing my kids was terrifying but with Ronnie's coaching I was able to plan with the children for the move and so achieve ‘feel good' from a bad situation. I have also come to terms with the end of a long term relationship and being alone without feeling lonely – a state of ‘higher thinking'.” Paul
When this occurs, the lawyers tell us that they often get the brunt of their clients' frustration. While not pleasant, they can take the flack, but it doesn't actually help the divorce process.
Your non-judgmental and supportive coach helps you to rise above any politics and keep perspective, enhance your communication skills and break deadlock by helping you see other perspectives. When the going gets tough your coach will remind you of what you have said as being most important to you. The 4 th step in the wise steps programme is designed to reducing the chances of this happening.
Why not take advantage of our initial free phone consultation to establish if coaching would make the difference to you.
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